dear bloggie,
So I've been gone for a some time now, but thank you to those who have been patiently waiting for my posts. The great thing about life blogs is that I need to live a life in order to blog and for months I didn't have one as an intern doctor.
Now I am perpetually exhausted. I work 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I need to apply for leave if I want to take a day off on a public holiday or weekend. I listen with envy to friends who complain about waking up at 7.30am for their 8 to 5 job. I wake up at 4am everyday and force myself to be alert, so I won't kill my patients with fatal errors. I look forward to bedtime after working for 36 hours without sleep for my oncalls every alternate days. I listen to my patient who complain about every little thing and wish I have someone I can pour my heart to as well. I take a deep breath and retain my patience, when patients who make unreasonable requests and start scolding me, their doctor, because they think they know more medicine than me, when they don't take care of their health for the past 30 years. Or patients who refused medical treatment, and I know they are dying but am powerless to do anything. I always hope that the specialist is in good mood everyday, because I am the only houseman in the ward, I couldn't cope with so many patients working alone. I pray that I don't prick myself with the needle when I am taking blood from a HIV positive patient, because I am tired after being awake for more than 24 hours, the ward is dark and I can't see his veins. I hide myself at the dark corner of the ward, because I couldn't bear to see the tears welling in the eyes of a young man with pancreatic cancer, he has not much time to live. I feel like losing my sanity, so here I am again, back in my own little sanctuary, my little bloggie, my source of comfort.
Now a young adult months into my mid-twenties, I would describe myself as lost. I don't know what I want. I know that I am gay, I've accepted that. But I don't know what I want as a gay man. I don't know why but I don't see myself with a man. Maybe it's cause I haven't met the right person.
When I lay down at night, close my eyes, and visualize about the future, I don't see myself with a man. I don't see myself with a woman. I don't see much of anything. I just want to be happy.
my dear friends, here are my wishes for you this new year,
enough happiness to keep you smiling,
enough trials to keep you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
enough success to keep you eager,
enough friends to give you comfort,
enough wealth to meet your needs,
enough enthusiasm to look forward,
enough faith to banish despair,
enough determination to make each day better than yesterday,
enough love to complete your life.
and if you can't have all that...
then I wish you enough chocolate
to make it through the tough times...
peace and love,
little dove
1 day ago
32 comments:
Be strong, Doctor ...
May happiness be with you too =)
hope ur ok. take some rest in between. wat u want? well... u got a job. perhaps ur tired. lonely. u want a man? :P need time to find. u have a nice weekend. :)
I have just started to work as a college lecturer. Teaching in a college is technically tougher than working in as a teacher in a school which requires you to work over the weekend most of the time. I am quite sad sometimes to hear most of my colleagues complaining when they have been ordered to work over the weekends. I know they are people out there who would be going through tougher times and surviving harsher working atmosphere. For that reason, I have never carelessly throwing unnecessary complaints regarding to my job..
You are one of those people Little Dove..! I am so proud of you Little Dove.. keep up the good work! You are definitely doing a great and most importantly a noble job for the people..
I totally can relate with the last half of your post.. I am a gay man but I am still not sure of being with a man and in the same time I know that I don't have feelings for any women..
That explains why I have never been in a relationship until now despite the fact that I am reaching my mid 20's.. well.. provided with my rather below average look.. I guess I just need to be prepared for the future, growing old without even getting the chance to know the feel to love and to be loved by someone..
I am so glad to have read your post..
I have been checking your blog almost everyday to look out for your new posts.. ^^
Good luck Little Dove!!
Bulih Bah kalau Ko!! LOL!
hahaha, little dove stay stronng, because work has taken much if not all of your time, that is why you cant c much in ur love life. When things go stable, when you r alright, then that yearn will come, go dating without expectation, at least it makes your life a bit more colourful. >_<
Stay strong as is this field, there will be loads of imbalance emotions going around.... Try talking with ur best frens or something? :). Don't keep it all in, ur human after all.
Dun worry too much as well, since u're already super tired. Just be happy and live life to the fullest :D!
Take care and have super super loads of rest! ^^
Being exhausted and laying awake with your mind bombarded with thoughts can definitely keep you from getting the sweet sleep you need, and shake you to your core. Your wanting to be loved is something we all want. It is what makes us human. Know that you are loved.
peace and love little dove :) woos and loos, tuls.. hahahaha.. i got a pocket full of pocket full of sunshine!! :) lalalalala... nak buat pantun tapi tak jadi .. hahahaha
word verification: phodo (saying bodoh with slang, hahahahahha)
Hey doc, stay strong.
Let's just wake up early, have a good breakfast and blast our days ahead :)
Helix
*hugs*
beautiful post, lil dove! :)
i can see all the dedication and passion you have in your job. good luck and these 2 trying years will be over before you know it!
have a great blessed and healthy year ahead!
no worries about the love part. i think it comes like a hurricane when you least expect it.
for me, "i am alone but i am not lonely!" lotsa happy things are all around us!
DRINK MORE WATER! :P
This is pay forward. You will reap the rewards of your blood sweat and tears some day down the road. Meanwhile be strong. Many of us have gone through these trying times. You will be alright.
Talk with friends who are doctors for years ahead of you already and find out how they cope. Take care!
Wish that "enough" is something easy for you achieve. :)
When you feel that your light is dying out, just revisit this very post one more time and see 14 other beautiful people (if I could include myself) cheering on for you!!!
And probably more to come...
Good luck Lil Dove!!!
I'll be reading till the end of days!!!
And I love chocolate!!!
Gay or not gay. I hope you find your person. ^^
Enough failure to keep us in this profession in modest. Having the reality of death smacks into my face is kinda hard. >.<
I er... will share chocolates with you. *smile with brown patches on front teeth* nom-nom-nom. chocolate is good.
doctor doctor , i have manboobs , how can i cure it ?
do you like sushi ? u must be a smart guy to get medic in UM , its VERY difficult for a noNmalay to get UM , esp MEDIC ....u Must have got 4.00 for STPM
hi dove ... first timer here.....
from ur blog i have deduced some things that are possibly true about you :
1) You love drama .Every post you do is so dramatic , sometimes a bit too dramatic(hehe)
2)(a)You are handsome and cute OR (b)cute and look like a twink OR (c)have really good flawless features with slight toned body OR (d) you are jambu , in malay meaning that ur features are very pretty , like a girl(lots of hard bisexual manly guys love that)
3) You like Greys anatomy
4) You like to love than lust a person
5)Have i mentioned you might be boyishly good looking?
It was just a mere observation abt how much your blog can say abt you ....most gay guys i see dont get hit on by handsome men as often as you ....do let me know how correct i am .Do u know derek ? he was also an engineering student in UM? perhaps u know him la
If you're feeling lost right now, unsure of what and where, take a break from trying to figure it out for now. Concentrate on other things first (rest of hospital life definitely enough to keep you occupied) and if you're adventurous email a gay friend to deal with frustrations you can't vent to your nurses! ;)
this is the path of a doctor...but i do wish i could do something to make you feel better.
i guess all i can do is this comment.
there are times in life where things are overwhelming but maybe its time to take a step back? or take a few days off once in a while....
the only person you cannot ever mistreat is yourself...when it takes revenge, the pain can be incredible
maybe all u want is some good sex , that u shud get from ur fellow bloggers , so who is up
?
Dear little dove i'm not sure whether you still remember me. i am one of your blog reader, for more than a year. Your blog post make me feel strong when i was in my final year study. Now i'm working, everyday i still check your blog. Little dove our life is not an easy journey. Everyday i do my best to work it out and treat my day as the last day in my life. i feel lonely too, but i'm not alone cos i still can read your previous post when i feel lonely. Little dove stay strong,dun worry about gay's future . World always change, peoples too. Try your best to welcome your tomorrow. Have a comfort sleep tonight, hugs.
Happy Chinese New Year Dove!! Have a blast yeah... ^^
p.s. You studied at UM before? I managed to spent 1 month in UM enrolling in biomed.. it was in 2006..
dear little dov, long time since i drop a comment here. i think in some ways, i'm very similar to u, but i have never tried to find words to describe myself like u do.. the state of knowing i'm gay but not knowing what i want, and not seeing myself with a man nor a woman.
i don't know the right words to encourage u (nor myself), but i just want to let u know u r not alone in this state.
[Anonymous] I wish you enough... :)
[Koala Express] I just want a good sleep. I have no time. Help me find a man? ;p
[byronmc] Thanks for the encouragement. Reading comments like yours brightens up my day!
[Vincent~] I am looking forward for the colours to appear in my life. :)
[-aLEx-] Thank you for the wonderful wish. Rest, rest, rest!
[My Beautiful Life] Thank you for visiting. My yearning for love and sleep are strong.
[tuls] Your pantun sangat menjadi! It made me laugh. Hahaha
[SynchingZincInc] A toast to good breakfast everyday!
[Medie007] Thanks bong.
[joshua] Thanks Joshy. That part about water is so random!
[carpe diem] I'll brave myself for challenges to come.
[Jaded Jeremy] I tried talking to them but they have gone bonkers! ;p
[William] That is a wonderful wish. You're awesome!
[Hdaran] I read your comment over and over again. You're the sweetest. Thank you!
[reyion] nom nom nom
[Anonymous] I need further history, perform a physical examination and take your blood for liver function test! ;p
[:)] We will always get what we want as long as we work hard (and work smart)
[mikey] Hi mikey. My answer is probably yes to all of the above? Haha. Kidding!
[Janvier] Would you volunteer to read my humble emails? ;)
[Little Fox] You read into my mind. My job is really taking its toll on my health.
[jamie] I am abstinent for now. My fellow bloggers are my sweethearts. No hanky panky stuff with them.
[hs] I read every comment you pen down in my bloggie. Thank you. You made my day with that comment! Hugs
[rotiboy] Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in my journey. It is less painful when I have readers like you giving me words of encouragemnt.
Be strong , Dove.
In life, there is up and downs.
To be a CEO of the company, you need to know the basics, from scrapping the floor.
To be the mastery of the ship,
you first need to withstand the sea sick..
TO become a GREAT doctor,
You need go through endless on-calls and night shifts. Its part of the battle.
I think what you need a warmth shoulder to hug or a hand to hold. I love Reyion say of
Gay or not gay. I hope you find your person. ^^
Life goes on. and everyone needs a suitable person to accompay through the rough times..
You will find one, dont lose hope.
:)
In the mean time, stay away from chocolate, we dont want a FAT dove. :) muakaka
hi little dove, it's been a difficult day in my life. i come to a situation where i need to choose the choice that cannot be choose. i miss your piano playing post-crestfallen. 22/2/2011...finally the day come. Wish that it never come, glad that i still can listen the piano you play..for this moment..
Dr. Just be strong and happy, ok. Cheers...
Dave Fukuyoshi
*hugs*
Happy March Dove!
I have been busy over the past months and not getting enough rest. Deep down inside I do realise that some people with a certain profession are having even more hectic lives. One of them is you Dr. Dove..
Therefore, just want to say.. hwaitting,, and never give up! ^^
then i pray that your patients will some day appreciate your effort. that, probably will cheer you better.
and of 'coz, doctor life - good luck and you have bunch of beings here to hug.
[Jino] A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot
[Emo-Happiness] I love your positive perspective! I am going to imprint this on my mind. I'm skimping on the chocolate. ;p
[hs] I am glad you shared the same passion in my music. I hope the decision you made, would be the one that you think is best at that point of time. Sometimes, life requires us to make difficult decisions.
[abc123] Hello Dave Fukuyoshi! Things are more settled nowadays, but the challenging environment is ever present.
[dummy] Thank you :)
[byronmc] Happy April! A little late here. Let's not give up! Let's do it together!
[Ultraman Jino] I wish I have a bunch of beings to hug here, but I only have my SpongeBob SquarePants plushie. People will rarely appreciate us, it's up to us to appreaciate ourselves and make the best out of life. Happy gymming! :)
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