dear bloggie,
So I've been gone for a some time now, but thank you to those who have been patiently waiting for my posts. The great thing about life blogs is that I need to live a life in order to blog and for months I didn't have one as an intern doctor.
Now I am perpetually exhausted. I work 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I need to apply for leave if I want to take a day off on a public holiday or weekend. I listen with envy to friends who complain about waking up at 7.30am for their 8 to 5 job. I wake up at 4am everyday and force myself to be alert, so I won't kill my patients with fatal errors. I look forward to bedtime after working for 36 hours without sleep for my oncalls every alternate days. I listen to my patient who complain about every little thing and wish I have someone I can pour my heart to as well. I take a deep breath and retain my patience, when patients who make unreasonable requests and start scolding me, their doctor, because they think they know more medicine than me, when they don't take care of their health for the past 30 years. Or patients who refused medical treatment, and I know they are dying but am powerless to do anything. I always hope that the specialist is in good mood everyday, because I am the only houseman in the ward, I couldn't cope with so many patients working alone. I pray that I don't prick myself with the needle when I am taking blood from a HIV positive patient, because I am tired after being awake for more than 24 hours, the ward is dark and I can't see his veins. I hide myself at the dark corner of the ward, because I couldn't bear to see the tears welling in the eyes of a young man with pancreatic cancer, he has not much time to live. I feel like losing my sanity, so here I am again, back in my own little sanctuary, my little bloggie, my source of comfort.
Now a young adult months into my mid-twenties, I would describe myself as lost. I don't know what I want. I know that I am gay, I've accepted that. But I don't know what I want as a gay man. I don't know why but I don't see myself with a man. Maybe it's cause I haven't met the right person.
When I lay down at night, close my eyes, and visualize about the future, I don't see myself with a man. I don't see myself with a woman. I don't see much of anything. I just want to be happy.
my dear friends, here are my wishes for you this new year,
enough happiness to keep you smiling,
enough trials to keep you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
enough success to keep you eager,
enough friends to give you comfort,
enough wealth to meet your needs,
enough enthusiasm to look forward,
enough faith to banish despair,
enough determination to make each day better than yesterday,
enough love to complete your life.
and if you can't have all that...
then I wish you enough chocolate
to make it through the tough times...
peace and love,
little dove
