I'm sorry, Dad

Four years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. That is the exactly feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. Thinking that there was some leftover rice, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I was often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. After a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. After a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into bed with the intention of having a well-deserved sleep, I felt broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there laid the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bed sheets and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy and gave him a good spanking! He cried but did not asked for mercy, except giving a short explanation:

"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, and I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminded me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you because I was playing with my toys. “I am sorry, Dad."

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the running shower water to mask my cries. After a while, I went to my son and hugged him tightly kissed him on the forehead, and coaxed him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not too long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whacked the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that there was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around because he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It is Christmas time. You can feel the Christmas spirit everywhere you go. Christmas carols and frantic shoppers, it was such festive mood. However, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to leave from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the postman was on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, "I'm sorry, Dad" and gave no explaination. I made him stand in a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was, “The letters were for Mummy.”

My eyes began to tear, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him, "But why did you post so many letters, all at one time?" My son's reply was, "I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once."

Upon hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, or what to say.

I told my son, "Son, mummy is in heaven now. In the future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy."

My son, on hearing this, was calmed, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldn’t help opening the letter before they turned into ash.

Reading one of the letters broke my heart....

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldn’t help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven’t you appeared?

After reading the letter, I can’t stop sobbing. This is because I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife...

“I’m sorry, son. Daddy loves you."