10 Friendly Things You Can Say To The Telemarketer

As I was busy running to my next lecture (and trying not trip), someone called me and asked me if I was interested to buy a holiday package. I mumbled something about being busy and running and bye. If only he had offered me a package for a dream boyfriend!

How do you treat an unknown caller in the form of a telemarketer? Most people would just hang up or reject them flat in the face, literally. Being a nice little dove, I always decline their offers in the most polite manner possible. They are humans and trying to earn a living too. In order to help you to be nice to your neighbourhood telemarketer, here are 10 friendly things you can say to them:

1. Ask him to talk v-e-r-y slooooowly, because you want to write down EVERY WORD he says.

2. *In a Japanese accent* Haro, haro? Toyota Mitshubishi Honda Nissan Ajinomoto Sony Fujitsu Hitachi Konica Panasonic Casio Toshiba Nintendo Sushi Zanmai (inspired by Scary Movie 4).

3. When he introduces himself (e.g. "Ahmad"), immediately say, "Hey hey Ahmad! Long time no see, man! How are you! Are you still living in that old place?" This should stun Ahmad for a while, as he scrambles to remember where he might know you from.

4. Hey Ah Chong, my birthday coming soon. You promised to treat me to Tony Roma’s for dinner. Come now. I am hungry.

5. If he says he's, e.g. Lee Ah Kau from XYZ Sdn Bhd, ask him to spell his name. Then ask him to spell the company name. Then ask him where it's located. Continue asking him personal questions or questions about the company for as long as you feel like it.

6.After he finishes saying all his marketing crap, tell him he must marry you first, before you sign on. When he acts all surprised, say, "What, you expect me to give my credit card details to a complete stranger?"

7. Insist the caller is actually your friend Alvin, playing a joke. "Eh, Alvin, dun like dat leh! Stop playing the fool! Seriously lah, Alvin, how's your mother, ah? Is she out of the psychiatric hospital yet?" Etc, etc.

8. If he asks, "How are you?" Tell him! "Fu yoh, man! Got so many problems. My fish all died, lah, then my mother and father had this big catfight until neighbours call police all, and then lagi worse, donno why, but my crotch whole day was very itchy, so I went to the clinic and then…" Continue till he hangs up.

9. Tell him you're busy at the moment, and ask him for his HOME number so you can call him back. He'll try to give his office number, but insist on his HOME NUMBER. When he says he can't give his HOME NUMBER, ask him, "You dowan some funny stranger calling you up at home and disturbing you, is it?" He will agree and say, "Then now you know how I feel!" And then say goodbye and hang up.

10. After he finishes his sales pitch, say in a very creepy voice, "Thank you for calling me. I don't have many friends… do you want to be my friend?"

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to
Little Dove