Not going home

I am feeling a little sad after reading SLP’s post, “There’s only one space, and it’s for you." Furthermore, his bloggie’s background was playing “White Love Story” from the Korean drama Coffee Prince. I thought we all don’t need love. Just yesterday, I was listening to Pussycatdolls’s “I Don’t Need A Man.” I felt so liberated, and so free. Sometimes, I am kind of envious when I see lovebirds in shopping malls, restaurants and those sitting together in the car. All of a sudden, I feel lonely. I am missing someone too. And I feel lost. Oh SLP, you just made me cry.

Mommy called last night. She seldom calls. She knows how busy I am with my studies and the additional work that I do. She wanted me to come home for Chinese New Year. I wanted to stay back and study for exams. She said exams are not everything and it should not be my master. She asked me where I wanted to go during the public holidays. I told her I’m going to the hospital. I wanted to practice examining patients and improve myself. I want to be a good doctor in the future. I always feel I am not good enough. I am always not good enough. I love someone so much. I made him the number one person in my life. And yet, I am just number two in his life. He had to love someone else more. I am always not good enough. Even if I am tall enough, goodlooking enough, hardworking enough, clever enough, independent enough, influential enough, fit enough, understanding enough. It was never enough. I am always not good enough.

Mommy asked me to bring some Mandarin oranges for my patients at the hospital. I smiled at her thoughtful suggestion. Told her I will bring some, but not for the diabetics. Before she ended the call, she asked me to go home again. She asked me to fly home anytime I feel like it. If there are no more seats, she will charter a flight for me. She sounded sad. She wants to see me. She misses me. I miss her too.