When doves cry

I wait for you at the airport, anxious to see your face. I stand and watch, looking for the first sign of your arrival. My pulse races. Finally, I see you appearing at the arrival gate. But I also saw something that would change my life forever.

We met each other almost every other day. Then I had to leave to pursue my ambition. We were living far away from each other and we made it a point to meet each other once every month. Sometimes, it seemed that he was always busy. He told me he is staying with his elderly mother. He needs to take care and spend some time with her. I understood and felt glad that he cares for his mother. A man who loves his old mother is a caring son and is worthy to be loved. Even though we were far away, we talked to each other on the phone every single day. However, he seemed to be available only during office hours. When he is home, everything becomes ‘inconvenient’. “It’s my mother,” he claimed. “She doesn’t know I am gay.”

I was always alone. He was just not there. I was always waiting for him to come. Valentine’s, Christmas and even on my birthday, he would never be there. I waited for him. I didn’t want expensive gifts or lavish dinners. Just a simple hug would do. I waited for him. At times, I became impatient. “Wait for me,” he asked. And with love in my heart, I waited for him. I didn't mind. I could've waited forever.

I heard he was coming to visit on a business trip. I was excited. Then he told me he will not be able to see me as he had to rush for the meeting before flying off. My heart sank but I still wanted to see him. The man I love.

I wanted to give him a surprise by showing up at the airport. I put on the shirt he liked to see me wear and reached early at the airport, 30minutes before his flight’s arrival. I was excited to see him. I knew he would feel the same.

I waited for him, anxious to see his face. I stood and watched, looking for the first sign of his arrival. I finally saw him, I took a second look to make sure it’s really him. My pulse was racing. He began to approach. He was a little shocked to see me. I cracked a smile and was about to wave to him until I saw the person standing next to him. It was a pregnant lady. And he was holding the hands of a little girl.

“Who were they?” A million thoughts raced through my mind. It dawned on me who they were. I stood there in shock. My mind went blank as I saw them walking away at the other direction. He pretended not to see me. I was stunned.

He is MARRIED, with a child and a pregnant wife. Still in a state of shock, the image remained imprinted on my mind. Without realizing, my little feet were dragging me to the car park. My eyes were turning red. Tears were streaming down my face. I didn’t know what else to do but run. I ran to my car. When I started driving on the road, my vision was blurred. Tears were flowing like a broken tap. I felt so lost and empty. I didn’t go home. I drove to seaside because I didn’t want my family to see me sad and crying.

I called home and told mom that I was having dinner with friends and will not be going home. I spent the whole evening crying at seaside. I felt cheated but I did not want to scold him, because I love him. I don’t know how to scold people I love.

At that time, I couldn't remember anything that went through my mind. It was blank. There was just pain. Lots of pain in my heart, and it translated to tears. I didn't even want to cry. The tears just came and rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably. I just sat quietly at the shore and stared at the sea, waiting for my silent tears to subside. The beach was our favourite place. I was trying not to cry. However, I felt stinging tears on my cheeks as the salty sea breeze blew upon my face.

The moment I saw her, I knew the decision I had to make. There was only one choice. I had to leave him. I love him so much, but I could not stay. Now, the only thing I could hold on, is the memories, not him, because his love does not belong to me. There are still so many things I wanted to say to him but I do not think I will ever want to see him again. This was the end of the relationship. There was no closure. I will have to leave it at that. My fairytale did not have a happily ever after. It ended with pain. Lots of pain.

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I will never forgive him, not in this lifetime.

Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.
Little Dove